When peace abandons me, Sedona is one of the refuges I turn to, a true existential trench where I can restore myself in safety before returning to the battle. It is not about being at war with anyone, a mistaken and naïve view of any type of relationship with the world. I am referring to the inner struggle to reach where I have never been within myself. Everything that irritates or saddens me lacks deeper understanding and consequent transformation. To go beyond who I am, I need to conquer every inch of what I do not yet know in myself. As an ancient sage once said, there are no fiercer adversaries than our lovely inner demons. Lovely because we nurture enormous passion and admiration for some of them. Often, we confuse pride and arrogance with dignity and respect; not knowing the exact limits between respect and generosity, we blur tolerance with permissiveness; we mix in the same package disparate concepts such as vanity and self-love. We lose focus on the improvements necessary for evolution. If we are honest, we will still find remnants of pleasure in those moments when we feel greater or better than someone else. We live confusing days for not being able to identify the exact feelings that shape our perceptions. We do not know ourselves. There is no better setting for our personal demons to continue reigning. Yes, they are demons because they imprison us in behavioural addictions, our shadows, that unbalance us and keep us away from peace, so necessary and valuable. It is worth emphasizing, to leave no doubt, these demons I refer to are inseparable parts of who we are. No one placed them inside us against our will. They have always belonged to us. Accept them without revolt or lies. When we deny them, they run loose among ideas and feelings, acquiring greater autonomy to dominate us. In the naïve attempt to merely drive them away, they deceive us. They only pretend they are gone when, in fact, they remain hidden or disguised. By believing they no longer inhabit us, we become unwatchful and allow them enormous power of influence over our understandings and choices. The cruellest of prisons is the one where we cannot see the bars. Like puppets, we are manipulated with no control at all over our own movements. To free ourselves from this yoke it is necessary to transmute shadows into light, demons into angels, so there is no room for false advances. This is the good, difficult, and beautiful battle. Some level of peace is needed to wage this struggle. The lack of serenity prevents the clarity required to understand and carry out the correct inner movements, without which external shifts will remain empty. A continuous and growing peace will be the immeasurable prize of victory.
Starry Song, the shaman whose gift is to perpetuate the ancestral philosophy of his people, awaited me on the porch, sitting in his rocking chair. He welcomed me with a sincere smile and a tight hug. I settled on the sofa. While he filled the red-stone stummel of his unmistakable pipe, he asked what had torn me from my axis of light and added: “When it happens, peace is the first loss felt”. For some time now, I commented, my relationship with the main author of the publishing house had been going from bad to worse. He was the most important author in terms of sales. His books had become international bestsellers, and the revenue was very important for the company’s accounting. However, it had not always been so. When we discovered him, he had been rejected by countless other publishers. No one was interested in publishing him. We found in his texts a diamond still unpolished. There was a treasure hidden under much earth. It took enormous, invisible editorial work. Not just grammatical and orthographic revision, but rewriting entire paragraphs to make the reading more pleasant, with the care not to alter the author’s unique style. It was necessary to suppress passages that added nothing, as well as ask the author to add many others in order to better explain some scenes and dialogues. After taking care of the content, we carried out a meticulous graphic design work with the tireless participation of illustrators and layout artists. The result was a fabulous work that rightfully enchanted the readers. At the beginning, there was a pleasant honeymoon between the author and the publishing house. Over time, the author depreciated the effort and care of the publisher until the relationship became quite unpleasant. His demands were increasingly greater, and some bordered on senselessness. He was never satisfied. As the contract was close to expiring, there was on his part the veiled threat of passing us over to sign with another, larger publishing house. Since the profits from his books were very important for several financial commitments we had assumed, though reluctantly, the publishing house ended up giving in to the writer’s demands. With each demand, the author squeezed us a little more, as if testing how far we would go. We had reached our limit. Depending on the sincerity of the outlook, the limit had already been crossed some time ago. However, breaking with the author, since we were ultimately a small publishing house, could bring us accounting complications.
With no hurry at all, Starry Song lit the pipe, puffed a few times, and then commented: “Last week a niece came to tell me a similar story”. I asked if she was an author or a publisher. The shaman shook his head and said: “Neither. She came to talk about her marriage. Although the apparent aspects are different, essentially it is the same story of lack of boundaries, respect, and self-love. Abuses, veiled threats, and fear. The husband refuses to admit the importance she always had in structuring the home and the family, allowing him to dedicate himself fully to his professional career. He disregards that the well-structured home was important for him to reach exponential positions and salaries in the company where he has worked since the beginning of the marriage. Now he belittles his wife, behaving like an eternal and dissatisfied creditor who laments the much he gives for the little he receives. No matter how much she pleases him, he is never satisfied. There is always a looming threat that he might leave at any moment”. I asked why relationships get to that point. Starry Song explained: “When there is a lack of humility and gratitude on one side and lack of self-love and courage on the other, relationships become abusive and dishonest”. He tapped his index finger on the arm of the chair to emphasize: “No one has the obligation to walk beside anyone. Whether affectively or professionally. Everyone may stay or leave as their conscience sees fit. However, respect must never be lacking, so there will be no dishonesty or abuse. No one should become the object of mistreatment or even of unconscious emotional tortures by anyone”. I argued that financial difficulty is a serious matter. It is very frightening. Some steps are very difficult. Many times, staying or leaving remains tied to this theme. The shaman agreed and countered: “Without a doubt, issues of survival often weigh heavily in the decision. However, dignity, peace, and freedom should have an even greater, or even absolute, weight. We can be happy with little money, never with little dignity. When we let our inner light go out, happiness and peace become fictional places”. He puffed the pipe and expanded his reasoning: “Financial issues are of enormous importance, but they do not apply in all cases and are not always decisive. Emotional dependencies are even more common barriers than economic ones, and obstacles more difficult to overcome. Often, money is used as an argument for subjugation when, in truth, the hindrance is tied to fear, to the belief in one’s own incapacity to overcome the difficulties inherent to personal growth. As there is much fear in setting out on the journey in search of an unknown sky, many prefer to remain in the known hell. They have grown accustomed to living there. Although quite unpleasant, they believe different and better days are not possible. They adapted to emotional pains as if healing were impossible. They grew accustomed to the terrible conditions and sufferings that, being so old, they take as part of an inevitable destiny. Great foolishness, sad habits. They deny the Heavens, always available, by subjecting themselves to the rules of hell. For being averse to risks, they lose the wonders of life and waste the delights of living. They give up change out of fear of the unknown. Peace will never belong to those who refuse the adventure of finding it”.
I disagreed. He spoke as if understanding led to an obvious and easy movement. Starry Song remarked: “Obvious, yes. Easy, never”. Then he clarified: “We call obvious the understanding that is evident before the eyes. So evident that it exhausts all doubts and uncertainties. Clarity of vision is indispensable to reach such perception. Whoever possesses it has access to a transformative truth, making it almost impossible to turn back from the moment one glimpses it in consciousness. This is the unrestrainable force that drives angular changes, in which something until then considered essential to survival, comfort, or pleasure will have to be left behind so that a still greater existential conquest of immeasurable value may be attained. Victory over fear is fundamental to peace. These movements become possible when we realize that what we most feared losing is precisely what robs us of peace and prevents us from being free and worthy. I speak in regard to the respect each individual must have for themselves, without which healing and evolution will remain inaccessible”. He blew into the bowl of the pipe so the fire would not go out and reflected: “Since this clarity is not always available, crowds treat visionaries as if they were scatterbrained. Likewise, the daring, who do what few have the courage to do, are treated as irresponsible. The power of truth is revolutionary for granting the measure of confidence necessary to go beyond who we are. The scale of priorities shifts. Inner transformations lay the foundation for a new way of moving through life. A power so overwhelming that it does not allow its bearer to wait for supposed ideal conditions. He will create them at every moment from then on. In the refusal of movement, there will remain a growing suffering and a devastating lack of respect for oneself”.
He puffed the pipe and warned: “Remember that no one is obliged to change to fit our tastes, interests, or truth. Everyone has the right to make their own choices, to define their own route and destiny. Likewise, we are not obliged to follow anyone when paths become misaligned. Breaks need not be abrupt nor conflictual. As long as there is balance stemming from clarity of vision and movements are virtuous, there will always be room for lightness and gentleness in the due closing of existential cycles. Never stop doing what is essential to your light. If need be, let the other go, yet never remain still, feel abandoned, or allow someone else’s behaviour to keep you imprisoned in sensations of impotence, insecurity, or loss. Forgive misunderstandings, trust yourself, and move forward. Life has more to offer. I speak of the discoveries permitted in the times we must awaken dormant capacities, find the unknown peace, and gain the autonomy to walk on our own feet. Only then do we become greater than the greatest of our fears. Sufferings shrink through inconsistency and uselessness until they vanish”.
I asked if he had had the same conversation with his niece. Starry Song said: “They were similar words, suited to an inadequate way of relating to one’s own emotions and misunderstandings. The lack of respect and courage to understand and accept what is best for oneself clouds reality and deforms identity itself. Admiration is a valuable aspect of relationships, but when that feeling overflows into idolatry or generates dependency, there come abuses, subjugation, and the soul falls ill. No one places anyone in that situation. Through neglect or fear, we allow it to happen. Relationships must be fair, loving, and healthy. Otherwise, they drain instead of nourish. Subservience is not to be confused with humility. While the former records the annulment of autonomy and will in submission to absurd miscommands, the latter illustrates a fantastic resilience and renunciation fundamental to learning and evolution. In the former, disrespect prevails, while in the latter there is profound respect for oneself as well as for everyone around”. He paused before concluding: “Nothing makes us lose as much as the refusal to break with what no longer adds to our light”.
I wanted to know how to apply those words to daily life. The shaman explained: “Mind and heart may poison themselves in symbiosis of deviations, errors, and stagnation just as they may feed themselves in continuous process of vigilance, correction, and advances. Identify the ideas and feelings employed in the elaboration of lived experiences, as a way to understand whether there are not others, more refined, for better solutions and choices. If there is suffering, discouragement, or resentment, we are using the wrong elements in the equation of life. There is need to remake the inner movements. It is the beginning of the conquest of balance and consciousness clarity, fundamental to the following external displacements. Have ethics as an ally in separating right from wrong. Make use of virtues so as not to allow evil to surpass good in the choices that concern you. Understand the beauty of yes and the value of no, the moment to stay and the hour to leave. However, concepts without good feelings are like gardens without flowers. Serve yourself of love so that your gaze surpasses the commonplace, never forgetting that without self-love no love will remain. Otherwise there will be no access to the best reading of all situations, things, and people. Including, and especially, of ourselves”. He paused before finishing the conversation: “Whoever is not master of their own choices and reactions will live as their slave. Even if they do not know it or admit it. While deaf to the voice of the soul, one will remain in constant imbalance, without sharpened perception and sensitivity to enjoy the clarity that comes from truth. Access to all possibilities of movement will be restricted. One will waste the best opportunities for the simple fact of not seeing them. Life will shrink”.
I stayed a few days in Sedona. There was no further word on the subject. I took part in a ceremony on the mountain. We prayed and meditated. We fished in a tranquil lake and strolled through the silence of the Arizona desert. We went to a music show. I sang and danced until daybreak. Without my noticing, Starry Song distanced me from the problem, not as an escape, but as a way of drawing me away from addicted ideas and emotions that, based on past experiences, insisted on reducing the solution to all my difficulties to a single model of elaboration. I needed to think and feel differently. In truth, there always exist unimagined possibilities of seeing and doing. In the exact measure of the courage, respect, and love I had for myself and for life. Starry Song offered me the conditions to create the inner place where the modifications would happen. Thus I was able to observe, understand, and face the problem through another lens.
Upon returning to Rio, my attitude was different. I carried with me a quiet confidence. An internal shift had taken place, one that laid the foundation for the external movements I was determined to make. I felt secure. Life never abandons those who move in search of the light. I invited our main writer to lunch. With sincerity, I admitted how important he was to the publishing house. I said I would be very pleased to renew his contract. I offered the best possible conditions within our reach. I was honest about the limits of the company. I avoided mentioning the incredible work we had done with his books. It was up to him to recognize this without my needing to say or show it. If it were not a gesture of gratitude, it would never be one of persuasion. Self-praise, besides being vain, does not strike me as ethical in a negotiation. With delicacy, I explained that whatever his decision, there would remain respect and joy for all the accomplishments we had achieved together. We had a beautiful story that would not be tarnished by differences in vision or by the desire to change paths and horizons. Everyone has that right, I stressed. The writer immediately made a counteroffer. I explained that I was being frank. We had offered the best terms possible for us. I sensed a contained irritation in him, common in those who have grown used to never being contradicted. The author remarked, without hiding his disdain, that I seemed different. Though not his intention, I took those words as a compliment. I knew what had changed. He said goodbye, saying he would call in a few days.
The publishing house was also undergoing important changes. Upon returning from the trip, I had gathered our team to set ourselves a challenge of resilience. We would no longer depend on any one work or author to remain in the market. New titles, segments, and talents would be published with our unmistakable seal of creativity and quality. If we had done it once, we knew a thousand other times would be possible. Life is born and renewed in creation. Life propels those who have respect, courage, daring, and self-love to rebuild themselves. The creative process arises as an effect of the need to dismantle what keeps us from moving forward. The seed breaks through its shell to become a tree because it no longer submits to the weight of the earth. That which oppresses and crushes it ends up causing its growth. Yet, it will know the sun only when it no longer consents to live in the darkness of the underground. A few days later, when the writer informed us of his decision not to renew the contract, we were already so engaged in new creative movements that the news was received calmly, without leaving the slightest emotional scratch. There were many wonderful projects being created, ready to go to press and come to life. I was energized by the work and happy for the rebirth. I was at peace. Only new sweet feelings have the power to dissolve old bitter ones.
I told Starry Song the outcome of the story on a night when the sky was sprinkled with stars. The shaman remarked: “With my niece it was a little different. It was she who sought her husband to express her dissatisfaction. At first, he felt relieved and left. For some time he had considered her a burden in his life. Knowing nothing about the true structure of freedom, he believed himself free to plunge into the universe of passions, empty of any commitment, as all passions are”. He looked for a moment at the crescent moon rising behind the mountains and whispered: “Commitment is the defining element between passion and love. Passion is about those who delight in the fruit of a tree. Love is about the one who tends to the tree”. He then returned to the story of his niece: “Everything seemed perfect for the ex-husband until a huge problem arose at the company where he worked. The sector under his direction was accused of making a series of poor decisions, generating serious losses and damaging the brand’s credibility. He was implicated in an administrative inquiry in which one possible outcome was the dismissal of all involved. When he spoke with his new girlfriend, she showed no interest in sharing problems. Like him, she wanted only the pleasurable side of the relationship. She quickly lost interest. When he looked around, there was no one to weather the storm at his side. Then he understood the immeasurable and silent value of the woman he had lost. What keeps a house standing is not the beauty of its design, but the firmness of its foundations. Overcome by deep regret, he sought her out. But she was no longer available in the way he had grown used to. She was not the same woman anymore. Something had changed substantially. The breakup of the marriage had not deformed her identity, but had instead helped her to value it. Forgotten characteristics, repressed attributes, and dormant talents had surfaced. Since she was an excellent cook, she had decided to study gastronomy to marry gift with technique. She worked in a well-regarded restaurant and constantly received praise. She planned to soon open a small bistro. She had met someone who admired both her journey and her personality, who valued her opinions, enjoyed her shy smile, and adored the cheesecake whose recipe she kept in absolute secrecy. There was no place for a return to the life that was left behind. She had reclaimed her dignity. She had freed herself. She was living a love story with herself and with another person. She was happy and at peace”. He arched his lips into a smile and reinforced the idea: “Life is born and renewed in creation. We are the creators of the creatures we are”.
I remarked that it had not been easy. I had faced many adversities during the process of rebirth. There had been several difficulties and not all projects achieved the expected result. I found in mistakes the best teachers. Creativity and determination were needed to overcome each obstacle. I adjusted routes to remain on course. The shaman clarified: “Rest assured, with my niece it was no different. That is how it happens in everyone’s life. There are no real losses except when we waste opportunities for learning and transformation. Hard times are perfect for this. There are days when nothing seems to go right, when doors never open, when we end the day in a dead end. What for fools illustrates a universe of impossibilities, for the wise is the forge of life. Peace does not belong to the world, it belongs to the soul. One must learn to discipline thoughts and calm emotions. Whoever believes in themselves and keeps to gentle, ordered, and continuous movements will never be forsaken by life. It is the crucial moment when determination is tested, when creativity comes into service of regeneration to break down obsolete ways of dealing with problems and solutions. We struggle to leave behind what we have grown used to carrying. It is not easy to dismantle personal traits that, though hindering our development, we insist on keeping as if they were inseparable from who we are. Rebirth demands balance and strength, for one must break through their own shell to reach the unknown sky. A most difficult transformation, but indispensable. It is present in the ways we relate to ourselves and to the world. The absurd belief in one’s own incapacity, born of poorly processed experiences, generates a harmful dependence that magnifies fears and feeds suffering. Then, in a movement contrary to life, we prefer to settle into the known hell, trying to find in it flavours and wonders that never existed. We raise false arguments to justify our lack of self-love. By abandoning dignity and giving up freedom, we abdicate peace”.
Starry Song drummed an ancestral chant on his two-faced drum, sung to celebrate the times when someone encountered an unknown self within themselves, and thus came to know a little more of the Heavens available to all.
Translated by Cazmilian Zórdic.
