This story took place some time ago. I was waiting for the bus to depart for the small Chinese village nestled at the foot of the Himalayas, when I was surprised by the arrival of Heitor, an Argentinian monk from Buenos Aires, who also belonged to the ranks of the EOMM. Since the day we met at the monastery, many years ago, we had become good friends. We shared a similar perspective on the world and the same passion for books. Whenever we were together during study periods, we would spend hours talking. Intelligent and good-humoured, I loved hearing Heitor’s opinions on a wide range of topics. Without having made any prior arrangement, under the guidance of the Elder, as we affectionately called the Order’s dean, he would also go on to learn the mysteries of the Tao Te Ching with Li Tzu, the Taoist master. Heitor was a well-known author, famous for the spiritual novels he published in Spanish-speaking countries. At that time, I had no thoughts of becoming a writer. Busy with the hustle of the advertising agency, I was content to have a few minutes to read every night before going to sleep. Or on weekends, when books were loyal companions, always accompanied by endless cups of coffee. I was happy. That journey to the village would be quick, as time tends to fly during pleasant moments. And so it was. We caught up with each other’s lives, talked a lot, and laughed a lot. Before I knew it, the bus was pulling up at the square in front of the village’s only inn. At that moment, Heitor mentioned that, despite the fun we’d had during the trip, he had noticed something different in my eyes. Perhaps concern. He was a sensitive man. No wonder, he had the gift of penetrating the souls of readers through the power of the stories he wrote. I confessed that before boarding, still at Galeão airport, I had sent a message via cell phone to one of the agency’s partners, Ronaldo, who was responsible for the commercial department, asking about the outcome of an important meeting with one of our clients. Since they needed my position to renew the contract, I found it strange that I hadn’t received a reply. I was certain that something serious had happened, as the silence was too unusual. I considered the possibility of a car accident or a heart attack.
Heitor looked at me as if trying to decode what was not contained in my words. Or the genuine feelings they were attempting to hide. He asked if Ronaldo wasn’t the problematic partner, at least from my point of view. According to the agency’s commercial director, the unbalanced one was me. It all depended on who was the observer and who was the object. The Argentine monk had already explained this to me, but this exercise, aside from being uncomfortable, is futile when we are neither willing nor ready to leave the place where we are. I answered yes. We had a history of many fights and serious misunderstandings; the wounds were mutual and deep. However, I emphasised that I would never abandon Ronaldo, whether his family in the event of his death, or the partner himself, if he were incapacitated for work. I assured him that the agency would continue to pay his salary and dividends as if he were still active. I was a good man, I thought with pride. Heitor just looked at me.
The conversation was interrupted. In front of the inn, we saw a group of climbers arriving. Since the innkeeper had an unstable temperament and unpredictable behaviour, we hurried ahead to secure our room reservations. Everything sorted, our luggage properly stored, I set out to introduce Li Tzu to Heitor, who was making his first foray into the ancient texts left by Lao Tzu. The gate to the Taoist master’s house was always open. Even in the charming bonsai garden in front of the house, one could already sense the delightful fragrance of incense wafting from inside. We were greeted with a warm smile and invited to a cup of tea. Once seated at the table, Midnight, the black cat who lived there and slept on top of the fridge, quickly settled onto Heitor’s lap as a way of welcoming him. We laughed. While waiting for the herbs to be ready, Li Tzu asked if we had had a good journey. With the delicacy characteristic of him, but always with great sincerity, Heitor expressed his concern for me. He noticed in me an expectation that, should it materialise, could harm me in ways I hadn’t imagined. I was taken aback. I knew he was referring to Ronaldo’s disappearance. However, I didn’t understand how that could harm me. On the contrary, I argued; it was a wonderful opportunity life was granting me to rebuild my strained relationship with my partner. Now, under new conditions. I repeated the whole story to the Taoist master. I summarised some of our fights and recounted his sudden disappearance. Something very serious must have happened. I thought about an accident or a serious illness. However, I stated, I would never abandon him or his family, should he be unable to continue working at the agency. With unspoken words, I had said that I would take advantage of Ronaldo’s difficulty to show what an incredible, good, and spiritual person I was. I noticed a quick, yet significant, exchange of glances between my interlocutors. They said nothing.
Li Tzu was pouring the tea into the cups when my phone buzzed. It was a message from Ronaldo, informing me that the meeting had gone smoothly and the client had accepted the terms for the contract renewal. In the message, he apologised for the delayed response, explaining that his phone had malfunctioned and needed replacing. A mere coincidence had led me to complex and nonexistent assumptions. No accident or illness had occurred. Without needing to confess it, my frustration was clear. My plans to become a superhero in Ronaldo’s life, thus resolving our animosities, had sunk.
Heitor asked how I felt. Unable to decode my emotions at that moment, I said it felt as though my soul had emptied. A strange feeling. He pondered: “Something has emptied. Could it have been the soul?” I said I didn’t understand. The Argentine monk explained: “The soul wouldn’t become melancholic, but would have leapt for joy knowing that Ronaldo is fine.” I found the comment odd. I said that I didn’t wish any harm on my partner. I was being honest. Heitor nodded and explained: “No one said that.” Li Tzu added that they knew of my good heart, but there was a small detail that made a big difference: “There is no shortcut to forgiveness. It is a long and difficult journey of spiritual growth, taken step by step. One does not reach the destination without crossing each of the abysses of the Path. To cross them, one must either build bridges or develop wings. Neither of these conditions can be invented. Although it is essential, willpower is the virtue that will propel you through the entire journey, but by itself, it is not enough. Like all authentic achievements, it requires a lot of elaboration, allowing for new understandings and inevitable transmutations, which will only be completed through a genuine change in attitude, manifested in the actions one takes in the world.” I knew the theory, but I didn’t understand how it applied to this situation. I insisted that my intentions were the best.
The Taoist master explained: “The virtue of forgiveness is a fundamental part of the art of building oneself. The work in which each individual must rise in strength and balance. Otherwise, they will not achieve a full existence in love, happiness, dignity, freedom, and peace. At most, they will enjoy only a few fleeting moments. However, as one begins to walk the path of forgiveness, the periods of fulfilment also become more constant and intense, until they fill the days entirely. To consecrate forgiveness, that is, to make it sacred in oneself, as a true power of light and healing, it is necessary to understand the subtleties of this valuable virtue.” He paused to emphasise: “Remember, virtues, as perfect unions of love with wisdom, require constant climbs of understanding.”
I Interrupted to Defend Myself. I argued that I hadn’t done anything wrong. Had my assumptions been correct, I would have had two basic options: to embrace or turn my back on Ronaldo. Abandoning someone who was my adversary in a moment of extreme difficulty would have been an act of vulgar revenge, an attitude that didn’t belong in my palette of colours. In embracing him, I would have built the bridge to cross the chasm that separated us. It was Heitor who showed me the fallacy in my reasoning: “Yes, had it happened, undoubtedly, it would have been a very noble act on your part. This conversation wouldn’t even be happening because there would be no misunderstanding. But it didn’t happen. Life, in its mastery, often not easy to comprehend, shows us that its lesson is different. To have wings, one must first have built the bridge.” I said I still didn’t understand.
Li Tzu clarified: “The problem lies in your desires. They reveal an intrinsic weakness that, in truth, robs you of the power you would like to have, but haven’t yet earned. Don’t expect life to be complicit in this behaviour. No one is permitted to fly over an abyss before being capable of crossing it by the bridges they have built.” I lamented that the conversation seemed more like a riddle. Nevertheless, without excusing myself from solving it, I argued that wings were unnecessary to overcome an obstacle that had already been conquered on foot, through the bridge built by my will to embrace Ronaldo. The Taoist master, with his sweet yet firm manner, disconcerted me: “Why do you believe you have already built the bridge?” I replied that it was my desire to carry my partner, with all his difficulties and misunderstandings. Li Tzu surprised me: “This is an error which, because of the comfort it offers, prevents the growth of your wings.”
The words faded away in the whirlwind that made my thoughts escape. This happens whenever we need to empty ourselves so that there is space for new ideas. The Taoist master began to show me the unknown nuances of forgiveness: “By trying to avoid the main confrontation you would have to face in order to undo the wounds between the two of you, that is, for each of you to see yourselves as objects, rather than merely acting as observers, you wanted life to place Ronaldo in a position of inferiority, where he would come to depend on your good will. Thus, you would become the generous hero, showing your good heart to the wicked, defeated enemy. This is like being immature characters in a cheesy film.” He paused to emphasise: “There would be no overcoming, only supremacy.”
Heitor concluded: “There would be no beauty, only oppression; no maturity, just fragility.” He finished: “Without bridges, there are no wings.”
I fell silent. There was an uncomfortable truth there that I couldn’t grasp. He explained: “As a rule, in the construction of a bridge, the work begins at each end so that it eventually meets in the middle. In the ideal practice of forgiveness, simultaneous movements from both parties allow for the crossing from one side to the other, overcoming the abyss of resentment. These are existential bridges that bring together hearts torn apart by bitterness. Although at least four hands are needed to achieve the ideal result, more often than not, when there is goodwill and one side has already begun to dismantle pride and resentment through humility, simplicity, and compassion, upon noticing the movement of one side, the other side is encouraged to start their part of the bridge. The forgiveness is completed.”
He paused to add: “Of course, during this invaluable undertaking, full of love and wisdom, each person will move with the exact grace achieved by their soul. This determines the time of construction and the strength of the pillars that will bear the weight of future traffic in the relationship. Only small bicycles or enormous trucks full of affection, understanding, and solidarity. Symbolic cities, like Venice or New York, would have collapsed into isolation without their iconic bridges. It’s no different with people.” Then, he reminded me: “More than bringing a distant heart closer, the bridge of forgiveness is the condition without which no traveller will be allowed to continue their journey towards the light.”
I questioned the fact that, on other occasions, in different relationships, I had built the bridge from my side, and despite completing half the project, there was no movement from the other side. Heitor smiled, as if expecting the question, and clarified: “No one can wait for the goodwill or evolution of others to continue their journey. When, as you’ve exemplified, all efforts have been made sincerely and without vanity, in the attempt to pacify a relationship, love and wisdom will allow you to fly over the abyss of resentment. It wouldn’t be fair for one person not to be able to move forward simply because the other refuses to move. Dependencies cause delays; freedom is an evolutionary aspect.”
Although I said nothing, at that moment I understood with perfect clarity the reason why there is no freedom without forgiveness. Dense emotions are existential prison cells with narrow walls. Heitor reminded me: “However, without bridges, there are no wings. You cannot conquer the greater without exhausting the lesser.”
I needed silence and stillness to reach some of the many unknown zones of my consciousness. To hear the voiceless voice of my soul. To reach the essence and find the serene balance of soft strength.
Li Tzu directed me to the meditation room. He said I could stay for as long as I needed. The lessons would only begin the following day. I took a little while to disconnect from the surroundings and from my anxiety. I calmed my heart and mind so that there would be space for the soul, always so subtle, to meet the ego, which, when agitated, cannot perceive its presence. I started by recalling the concepts I already knew about forgiveness. Then, I remembered each of the disagreements with Ronaldo.
Now apply your knowledge to stitch the misunderstandings together, as a tailor places the pattern of wisdom over the fabric of life. There will be parts that don’t fit. There lies the secret and the gold. I found those unspoken words strange. There was something I had missed in that idea.
In the difficulty of the encounter, where each person would leave their current place to arrive at a new one, unknown to both, doses of humility, simplicity, and compassion are required. In this case, it would have been far easier to subjugate Ronaldo to my pride and vanity. More seriously, I had wished for life to do the dirty work for me. This led me to imagine the accident or sudden illness. Making him dependent on me would be forcing him to accept me on the terms I imposed. There is no love in that, only domination and humiliation. That was not a bridge, nor would it make me a better person, for it would never allow me to achieve my own wings. I was ashamed of how superficially I had imagined resolving that problematic relationship. I felt bad.
“Do not martyr yourself or mistreat yourself, there is no wisdom in acting this way. Start again from where you lost your way on the Path. Make the mistake your teacher. Commit to the truth; establish the depth with which you will dive within yourself and define the breadth with which you will move through the world. This responsibility is the intensity of the light you will carry with you wherever you go. Do it differently and better from now on. Let us move forward without pain or fear. May love be our guiding star!”
Though I was alone, I was not by myself in that room. There was no doubt as to where those voiceless words were coming from. It was me with myself. Everything became simpler, not necessarily easier. To know a higher layer of forgiveness, it was necessary to search the unknown depths of who I had never been. For that, the basic virtues of the Path were essential. Compassion to lovingly understand not only Ronaldo’s difficulties, but mainly to deal with my own misunderstandings. Humility to place the values of the soul ahead of the comfort sought by the still immature ego, and thus, the pride. Simplicity, through which I would have to strip away vanity, masks, and the personas created to hide from myself who I truly was. We wear a thousand costumes, one for every situation we face. At work, in relationships, in the family, among friends, and before strangers. The most imperceptible of them is the one we wear to look in the mirror. It is also the cruelest, for it is the one that most distances us from who we could truly be, indefinitely postponing the inevitable transformations we must undergo. While this happens, life drains away meaninglessly through the drains of the days.
I needed to free myself from the false structures provided by pride and vanity to see both the deficiencies and the excesses I had committed. Otherwise, I would never learn what I didn’t know. Accepting the differences without deceit or guilt, but with sincerity and compassion. There would be mistakes and successes from both sides. More from one side, less from the other, none of it mattered at that moment. What mattered was the understanding, without which there would be no content for the indispensable transmutation. A new pattern for the same tailor. In me, with myself; though it was me, I could become another. This is the movement that makes us discover the hidden powers of existence. Therein lies the secret and the gold.
Accepted that many of my conflicts with Ronaldo were caused by my desire for my own volitions and Ideas to prevail. Deceived by pride and vanity, I had believed that, within an advertising agency, the creative department was more important than the commercial side. A great mistake. The liver’s failure causes the heart to stop beating. But within me, there were misunderstood doses of frustration stemming from a complicated childhood, which I had tried to compensate for in my professional relationships. I needed to embrace myself; I needed my own forgiveness. On the other side, Ronaldo also had his difficulties and incompleteness. Many. Different from mine, but no better or worse—simply related to his own evolutionary process. Between us, there were more similarities than differences. There were many misunderstood pains. Just like me, he needed understanding, patience, and affection. We were both deserving of mutual compassion. We both had good hearts, but they were quite messy. The reasoning got corrupted by all this disorder. So, the seed of conflicts found fertile ground to sprout. I cried a lot. I cried like someone purifying and forgiving themselves.
I was able to see Ronaldo clearly from the moment I understood who I wasn’t. I felt him very close to me. I cried even more, and in silence, I told him I forgave him and asked that he forgive me as well. The honesty of this unspoken act allowed me to make the first gesture in building the bridge. I knew there would be other, more visible and perceptible movements I would have to make later. I was happy for the opportunity it created. I smiled.
A thought came to me that maybe Ronaldo didn’t feel the same way. Maybe he didn’t want a relationship beyond professional formalities. That was his right. It didn’t matter; I would continue to wish him well. He needed to be well. At that moment, I understood that if I wanted to grow, I had to learn how to deal with great difficulties. I was glad that Ronaldo was healthy and safe. The healthier he was physically, the greater the obstacles he could pose. Should that happen, the greater the knowledge about my own abilities would be granted. And so, wings are born.
By learning how to deal with him, without hurting him but also without hurting myself, I would awaken all my strength and balance. Love thy enemies. Ronaldo was not there to hinder me, but to propel my evolution. And I his. Even if he didn’t know it.
I knew what I had to do. Build bridges in order to one day gain wings. Change the equation to alter the result; I am the equation of my life. This is the origin of all power.
I had stayed there longer than I realized. When I returned, the day was breaking. I found Li Tzu in the kitchen, freshly awake, putting herbs to infuse for the morning tea. When he saw my happiness, he smiled without saying a word. He gestured with his chin for me to sit at the table. It wasn’t long before Heitor arrived from the inn to join us. The Taoist master served us. Without needing to be asked, I spoke about the conclusions drawn from many hours of reflection. In the end, I commented that there was nothing wrong with people or with life. There never is. All conflicts have their origin in internal misunderstandings that we project onto others; being right or wrong is a matter related to the immature ego, with little importance to the awakened soul. This was the path that lay before me at this moment.
Li Tzu nodded and commented, “Many underestimate the importance of forgiveness for freedom and peace as a movement of evolution.”
Then, as if he had sensed the internal dialogue I had with myself the previous night, he concluded: “Life is like tailoring. We must not give up when the fabric of relationships seems too long or too short. There is a unique design for every piece, style, or creation. In truth, nothing is missing or excessive. Be creative. Model, cut, and sew with delicacy and sensitivity. In this way, we establish the lightness and elegance of the soul.”
Translated by: Cazmilian Zórdic.
