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Gains and Losses

The coffee mugs were empty on the heavy wooden counter. Loureiro, the shoemaker who loved books and wines, gifted with the ability to sew bags with the same skill he used to stitch ideas together, had closed his shop for the day. Anne, one of his nieces, a beautiful young woman newly entering adulthood, was talking to him when I arrived. I was greeted with the usual warmth. After a tight hug and the necessary introductions, Loureiro set about getting more coffee. Soon, I was brought up to speed on the topic they were discussing. Anne’s parents had divorced before she turned three. Since then, the young woman had had a difficult relationship with her father, whom she accused of showing little affection and interest in her. Loureiro had always listened to her complaints about her father’s behaviour. A few weeks prior, Jonas, as he was named, had left the company where he had worked for nearly thirty years. He would receive a good severance package, which he planned to use to start a business he had always dreamed of: a small bar specializing in cocktails and oysters. He would be the bartender, and the oysters would be supplied by a producer who owned an innovative farm on the coast. A modest space with a counter, a few tables, fresh oysters, and signature cocktails, all set to the sounds of intimate jazz. A simple, minimalist idea, which he would start without any staff. A powerful concept as it depended solely on Jonas to become a reality. Loureiro was aware of the project, which was about to be materialized. Despite the divorce having caused significant dissatisfaction for his sister at the time, the shoemaker had remained friends with his niece’s father. He understood that Jonas had the right to make choices regarding his life. The reason for their conversation was that Anne had filed a lawsuit claiming part of the severance payment from her father’s employment termination. The young woman believed that this money constituted her father’s salary, from which deductions for child support had been made while she was a minor. As a percentage of the severance related to his previous salaries, part of it had not been included in the child support payments, and Anne felt it was time for her to receive that money. At least, that was how she viewed it as her right. Meanwhile, her father was counting on the money he would receive to set up his cocktail bar. In the end, part of the severance was blocked by a court order, and the decision put Jonas’s business at risk, which might not happen after all.

Hearing the story, it became clear to me that there was a hidden master behind the tangle. At that moment, I could not identify him.

Upon learning that her father had lamented the situation to her uncle, whom she admired so much, Anne wanted to explain herself. Loureiro listened to her with care. In the end, as he often did, he began to weave a Socratic line of reasoning, an effective method where the answers from the interlocutors themselves help to build conclusions and thus find hidden solutions in moments when existence seems blocked. The shoemaker avoided the obvious questions regarding the claim for compensation. He wanted to know about Anne’s relationship with her father when she was still a child. Complicated, was her short but passionate reply. Loureiro pressed on: “Did he visit you often?” The young woman explained that she spent alternating weekends at her father’s house, as well as half of her holidays. Anne emphasized that those were very boring days, as her father did not make an effort to make them enjoyable. The shoemaker continued: “How were those weekends different from the ones you spent with your mother?” The girl took some time to respond. Eventually, she explained that they did similar things. However, as she lived with her mother, she felt more comfortable at home. Loureiro asked if Jonas had ever treated her harshly. Anne admitted that he never had. She added that her complaint was about the fact that her father did not know how to deal with children and showed no interest in learning. To me, as a listener, it was clear that the young woman had much higher expectations of Jonas than she did of her mother. The question was to understand the cause of such disparate views. Loureiro inquired: “What image do you have of your father?” Anne explained that he had abandoned the family to pursue the pleasures of the world. Her uncle asked if she had ever heard her mother say this. Anne nodded. Then she added that recently her mother had said she regretted complaining to her daughter about her father’s behaviour. In silence, I continued trying to understand the roots of the conflict. Yes, the mother regretted it, an always positive attitude; however, the daughter’s perception might still be distorted by the pains that shaped it. Pains that were not hers, but which, when transferred, warped the image Anne had of her father. As if he could read my thoughts, the shoemaker asked: “In your view, what traits of your father’s personality have been created by your mother’s pains?” The niece fell silent for a moment. None, she replied with contained irritation. I don’t know why you insist on asking questions I know the answers to, she added. Then she said she had commitments and would return another time to continue the conversation. She said goodbye and left.

Alone with Loureiro, I commented that Anne felt entitled to her father. The supposed financial debt claimed in court was the overflow of an emotional debt that, as such, was complex to settle. Whether due to her motivations, not necessarily fair, or the comfort of electing a villain onto whom we can unload all existential frustrations and transfer the responsibility for the bitterness we feel in our hearts. Simply believing that the blame lies with the other does not prove to be a path but a flight. An easy answer to a solution that does not exist. The shoemaker agreed but noted: “Yes, one situation reflects the other. Merely financial issues offer precise equations. Emotional matters tend to cloud not only reason but also love; thus, the solutions become imprecise or even blocked.”

I questioned how we could know if, with each existential conflict, we would find the right solution. He arched his lips in a slight smile and taught: “If there is still pain, resentment, irritation, or any similar emotion, it means that it was a mistaken solution.” He paused and added: “The heart has simple reasons. It wants love. This is true for all hearts. Without exception. The problem arises when, in the immaturity of the ego, we seek immediate, superficial gains that lead us to prolonged, essential and deep losses. The soul suffers. Every victory will be in vain.”

In the incredible synchronicity of life, where events need to fit together for masters to teach us the lesson of the moment, we were interrupted by Jonas entering the workshop. He had the marks of a sleepless night in his eyes; on his face, the light of someone who had found a path. After greeting me and exchanging a tight hug with the shoemaker, he said he had made a decision. He would ask his lawyer to withdraw the legal challenge against Anne’s claim. He would pay the requested amount. Case closed.

Loureiro pointed out: “The matter will only be closed if there is understanding and, if necessary, compassion. Otherwise, the issue will remain open. Not in the judicial sphere, but in the realms of the heart, a place where the damages tend to be much greater.” Jonas agreed. He said that the conversation he had had with the shoemaker a few days earlier had helped him understand the hidden meaning behind that issue. He loved Anne. He wanted to live in peace with his daughter. While the legal process lasted, they would be at war. The suffering would drag on. It made no sense to persist in that dispute. They would feed the worst emotions in each other. It would be the reverse of his search. By relinquishing part of the severance in favour of his daughter, even though he considered the request inappropriate, he felt a wonderful sense of serenity, as if he had understood his soul’s message. This gave him the certainty that he was making the right decision.

I asked whether it was fair to give up that money, especially if it might jeopardize the cocktail bar project. A tear escaped Jonas’s eyes as he explained that winning his daughter’s heart outweighed the difficulties he would face in setting up the bar. I reminded him that this equation wasn’t exact. He could end up without both.

Jonas said he was willing to risk the path he had chosen in an attempt to dismantle the armour that Anne had built up, which kept him at a distance. It would be like sending a silent message that her happiness mattered to him. He needed to deconstruct the image Anne had of him. Until that moment, words had proven insufficient; now it was time to speak through actions. He knew that many of her concepts had been formed through her mother’s complaints. Not everything was true, nor everything false, he admitted. Arguing about it wouldn’t lead anywhere—it never had. It was necessary to do something different. Yes, there is a time to speak, and there is a time to act. Even if he couldn’t find his daughter’s heart, he would have offered his best in that quest. He was willing to go beyond where he had always been, whether within himself or in the effort to reach Anne’s heart. To sensitive eyes, whatever the outcome, that decision would bring more gains than losses. Sometimes, material losses can signify intangible gains.

Jonas couldn’t live in expectation of a desired outcome, as it might never happen. He knew this. Otherwise, the decision would weigh heavily on his days with the pains and frustrations it would generate if he lived in anticipation of a specific reaction from Anne, which he would have no control over. I understood that Jonas would begin to live for the joy of the love he had sown. Everything else would be a matter of fertile soil and waiting for the spring season to arise in his daughter’s heart. The certainty of having offered the best of himself had restored the lightness and joy to his days. Another invaluable gain.

We talked a bit longer before I had to say goodbye. I was heading to the monastery. Another cycle of studies awaited me. Not by chance, it was a period when we debated the resistance we have to impermanence and change. We want to paint a colourful life, but we refuse to let go of our coins to acquire a box of crayons. By not understanding the process, we fail to complete it. And then we suffer.

On my return, as I always did before heading to the train station, I visited Loureiro for some conversation and a mug of coffee. I asked about his niece’s situation. He told me that Jonas had paid the amount requested by Anne. The young woman had celebrated with her friends. Then she had set off on a trip with no return date to Asia, a region she had always wanted to explore. I wanted to know how Jonas was doing and whether he had managed to set up his business. Loureiro explained: “He’s doing very well. At peace for having listened to his heart like never before. He did what was unthinkable some time ago. The change has brought him unexpected strength and balance. He decided to set up a smaller cocktail bar, given the conditions that remained. The serenity and enthusiasm stemming from his attitude have allowed him to find creative solutions every time money becomes an issue. Do you see how many gains can arise from losses?”

Problems are excellent at offering us unusual solutions, as long as we seek them within ourselves. However, I remembered that despite all his efforts, he had lost his daughter’s heart. Anne was happy living in paradise-like places. She might not even remember her father. I wondered if Jonas was sad about this. Loureiro frowned and said as if showing stars to someone who had never looked at the sky: “Initially, before he accepted his daughter’s request, he lived through tumultuous and painful days. When he allowed himself to look through the lens of his soul, he understood that the power of his life would always be in his actions, never in Anne’s reaction or anyone else’s. By grasping this mechanism of personal power, his days became light and joyful.”

Loureiro added: “This movement led him to a discovery. He found a great teacher: patience. An essential virtue. By learning the secrets and intricacies of this art, he learned to deal with time. Time transformed from a villain into a guardian. By listening to its voice and dancing to its rhythm, he began to acquire immeasurable gains from consented losses. No story ends right now. Anne left as she wished, but she took with her, even if unconsciously, the message that her father would continue to be a safe harbour for her to dock in the storms of existence. No one is the same as another. For this, there are a thousand ways to love. One for each person. Jonas found his way—a unique way to love his daughter.”

The following year, when I returned for another cycle of studies, I went to visit my shoemaker friend. Due to a flight delay, I missed the train I usually took to arrive at Loureiro’s workshop in the early morning. I disembarked at the station in the late afternoon. Before heading to the monastery, I decided to check out Jonas’s cocktail bar. I would have a drink, savour some oysters, and then proceed to the monastery. It was a decision filled with pleasant surprises. Not only was the place quite charming, but I also found Loureiro there, and to my surprise, Anne was working with her father at the bar. While Jonas tended the counter, his daughter served the tables. I wanted to know what had happened. The shoemaker told me: “After a few months in Bali and other paradise-like places, Anne began to understand the hell that her emotional confusions had become. No matter where we live, we always dwell in our hearts. She resisted while money intoxicated her with countless distractions. She decided to return when she could no longer bear herself. However, she realized that despite the immense beauty of the various beaches she visited, none could brighten her heart. Only love in motion has the strength to dissolve bitterness. Nothing else.”

Upon returning to the city, Anne found Jonas putting the finishing touches on the cocktail bar. Although simpler than the initial plan, it stood out for the creative solutions necessary to compensate for the lack of funds. Creativity brings with it the power of originality—the magic of the unexpected. Each person’s world becomes perfect when fuelled by goodwill. The opposite also applies. Yes, acts of ill will open the doors to hell. “Isn’t that so?” commented Loureiro. Without waiting for a response, he continued with the recent story: “Upon reuniting with her father, Anne admitted she didn’t have a penny left. She asked to work as a waitress because she needed a job to pay her bills. Without success, she had tried at other shops in the city.

Jonas said he couldn’t afford to hire any staff. It was true; his savings had been exhausted. His daughter expressed understanding. Her tear-filled eyes spoke of a pulsing regret in her heart.

The shoemaker continued: “Before Anne left, Jonas said he could offer something different to his daughter. ‘I can’t hire an employee, but nothing prevents me from accepting a partner,’ he proposed. The young woman smiled, enchanted by her father’s love, which, despite the difficulties, refused to give up on reaching her heart. Only then could she experience a love that, though always present, she had never been able to accept. Jonas opened his arms to embrace her, sealing not just the partnership but also a long-awaited meeting of souls.”

The cocktail bar was bustling with customers. I noticed that even amidst the bar’s busyness, father and daughter sought each other with incessant glances, and then they smiled. Happiness is tied to the evolutionary process. Becoming a different and better person is the foundation of this and other fulfilments. Resisting transformation is the gravest of obstacles. I mentioned this to the shoemaker. He nodded and added, “The crucial point was Jonas’s understanding of the true meaning of losses and gains. By realizing that there was something far more valuable at stake than money, he was able to make a choice of superficial losses to achieve profound gains. Like in a game of chess, when you sacrifice a knight to free the queen from a dangerous trap, or the king from checkmate.”

I argued that this might not have happened. Loureiro shrugged and remarked, “A good deed is worth it; in it, overcoming is completed. This is the authentic outcome. Mistakenly, we equate results with the world’s response. In truth, that is merely the reaction of interlocutors moving according to their own consciousness, principles, values, and interests, which are not always aligned with ours. There is little we can do about it. The misinterpretation of losses and gains, which has dragged through history, continues to bring much confusion and suffering. Until we can differentiate between the two, it will remain a source of unnecessary hurt and disappointment.”

I noted that it had been a significant achievement for Jonas. The shoemaker agreed again but added a caveat: “Equally important was the discovery that preceded the achievement.” He took a sip of his drink and concluded, “Love doesn’t always arrive ready; often, it is a construction. Building love is a work that demands understanding. As an ancient Egyptian sage taught, it’s impossible to love without the sincere attempt to understand people’s difficulties. Without this discovery, Jonas would not have reached his daughter’s heart.”

Translated by Cazmilian Zórdic.

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