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Listening is an Act of Humbleness

When I arrived, Starry Song, the shaman gifted with the ability to sow the ancestral philosophy of his people through stories and music, was rocking his chair to the rhythm of an ancient tune he was whistling. I was welcomed with a hug and a sincere smile. After leaving my suitcase in the guest room, I sat on the porch beside him, who was filling the red stone stummel of his unmistakable pipe with tobacco. The conversation soon flowed.

I shared my concerns about starting a new business alongside the publishing house—it would require a significant investment, possibly even a bank loan, in an industry I knew nothing about. Although I trusted the people who would share the responsibility with me, there were many factors to consider. It was a difficult decision because of the risks involved. I was still speaking when I was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Sofia, a partner in an excellent restaurant in Sedona, in the mountains of Arizona. We had met a few years ago. Whenever I was in the area, I went the charming restaurant she ran with both competence and warmth. On weekends, people from various nearby towns—Flagstaff, Jerome, Cottonwood, and even Phoenix—competed for one of the many tables set among the lush trees scattered throughout the restaurant’s garden. The combination of her signature recipes and the unique ambiance of the place made dining there an enchanting experience.

Sofia’s eyes were swollen from crying, which led me to believe something serious had happened. She was a mature, independent, and beautiful woman. Despite being over forty, she had the youthful spirit and zest for life characteristic of those at peace with themselves. I loved being around her and talking with her. For the past ten years, she had been married to Danny, another beautiful woman, slightly younger, who owned a popular art gallery in town. Without warning or any apparent sign, the gallery owner had decided to end the relationship a few weeks earlier.

Between sobs, Sofia revealed that Danny was pregnant and had decided to return to her ex-husband. But that wasn’t the most painful part for the chef. The real blow was discovering that Danny had maintained a relationship with him the entire time they had been together. She felt betrayed by someone she had always trusted. She had come to terms with the end of the relationship, but knowing she had been deceived while believing she was living something wonderful was the deepest wound. “Today’s happiness can turn out to be a lie tomorrow,” Sofia lamented. She admitted to feeling disappointed with life and was considering selling the restaurant to start over somewhere far away, perhaps even in another country.

Starry Song took a puff from his pipe and remarked, “Traveling to forget a problem or dissolve suffering will end in failure. The traveller always carries themselves in their own baggage.” He then added, “My happiness will never be the result of what others offer me, but of what I give to the world. All good, just like all evil, belongs to the one who creates it.”

Sofia countered by saying that the evil committed by one person can affect many others. The shaman nodded but pointed out, “Undoubtedly. However, even though it may harm us, that harm will be temporary and minor. Far greater will be the fall of the wrongdoer, who will have to witness and live with the darkness they have embraced. Allowing one’s own light to go out is the worst loss of all.”

Sofia asked him to elaborate. Starry Song was a gentle man. “Those who resort to evil bring darkness upon themselves. Light withdraws and distances itself as an inevitable consequence. We must have compassion for those who choose malice, for their suffering will be immeasurably greater than that of the one harmed. An intense and growing pain—whether from misunderstanding, remorse, or the energies they have entangled themselves with—will take hold. Sometimes, it takes a long time for those who choose evil to realize the downward spiral they have set themselves on. Nothing ends here or there. The road back will be a long and painful lesson.”

He gazed at the first stars appearing in the night sky and commented, “I would not want to cause or suffer any harm. But without a doubt, I would rather be the target than the arrow.” He paused before continuing, “On the other hand, we must stay vigilant. Allowing the evil committed by someone else to engulf us in sadness or resentment is a permission we wrongly grant. Though it may not dim our light immediately, it will gradually obscure it by the intrusion we have allowed. If we don’t make the necessary internal adjustments quickly, we too will be consumed by the darkness. Every bit of attention is necessary.” Taking another puff from his pipe, he emphasized, “I am not speaking of fighting evil with evil—never. I mean not letting oneself be carried away or entangled by its flow, whether from outside in or from inside out. To do so, let yourself be guided by the truth, at the highest level your conscience has already reached. Never forget that evil belongs to those who practice it. Never allow someone else’s imbalance to take residence in your heart. Always move through virtues—the indispensable tools of light.”

Sofia wanted to know if Danny would suffer for what she had done. Starry Song furrowed his brow and corrected her firmly, “I never said she did anything wrong. I was speaking about how happiness cannot be built upon the actions of others, except for each person’s own life. While joy is the trait of those who know how to find the good in all events, happiness grows from overcoming each challenge in the construction of oneself—the Great Art. Thus, it is the fruit of those who move with truth and virtue as their roots. That way, I dismantle any dependence on the actions of others, both for my happiness and for the joy of my days. It is an intrinsic development—therefore, a personal power. Receiving good is wonderful, but doing good is sacred, as it serves as an authentic mechanism of protection and a source of all light.”

She insisted on knowing the shaman’s opinion about her ex-partner’s actions. Starry Song remained firm: “If you came seeking comfort and guidance, count on me. But if you came looking for judgment, you are wasting your time. It is not my place to sit in the judge’s chair. I lack the competence and authority. I do not have that right.”

Sofia lowered her eyes. Then, she murmured a regret about having trusted Danny. The shaman asked under what circumstances they had met. The chef explained that she had met Danny when her husband had to be away for several months for professional reasons. Their relationship deepened, and they continued seeing each other even after he returned—until they eventually decided to live together. Starry Song asked whether Danny’s decision to leave her husband had been smooth or if she had been pressured to do so. Sofia admitted that the gallery owner had struggled greatly with the decision; she had even threatened to break up with Danny if she delayed it any longer.

The shaman commented, “There are easy choices, and there are difficult decisions. What differentiates them is how mature they already are within us. A fruit picked too soon from a tree requires force to be detached from the branch; when ripe, it falls gently into our hands. Furthermore, unripe fruit lacks the full flavour and sweetness of the mature ones. This means we did not understand or respect the time needed for them to be ready. Choices are the same way.”

He looked at me as if to say that those words also applied to my questions about the new business, and added: “No decision is difficult when it has already matured; no choice will be easy while it is still green. If it is difficult, it is because it still lacks better intrinsic elaboration. Some are simple, others are highly complex due to the many aspects to be considered. Life demands movement, but also direction. A blurred vision makes the step uncertain. Without the necessary clarity, firmness will be compromised. Doubt grows; fear torments. Once the fog lifts, the achieved clarity brings forth overwhelming truth. There will be no doubt about which way to go. It does not matter if it is yes or no, if staying or leaving, if this or that, the movement made will be firm and calm.”

Sofia argued that she pressured Danny into making a decision because too much time had already passed. Her husband had returned from his trip. They could not continue that way. Since she had received an invitation to run the kitchen of a trendy restaurant in Las Vegas, she gave the marchand an ultimatum. They would stay together in Sedona, or Sofia would leave alone. There would be no place for Danny there. Her girlfriend had two days to decide whether she would accept the offer. She admitted that she used the circumstances to help her girlfriend make a choice. Starry Song corrected her: “You did not help her make a choice; you did something very different: you squeezed her will.” He puffed on his pipe and concluded: “The fruit was plucked while still green. You did not know how to wait for her to free herself from her own doubts; to answer her most intimate questions. This is something no one can do for anyone else.”

The chef insisted that she had waited longer than she should have for her girlfriend’s decision. Constant postponements caused anxiety and anguish. Since Danny could not handle the situation, some movement was necessary. The shaman corrected her again: “Movements without direction lead to disaster. There is nothing to complain about. A papaya takes weeks to ripen; an avocado takes years to complete the same cycle. Each has its own time. Patience is fundamental to building respect.”

And he continued his reasoning: “You should have listened more to Danny” he stated. Sofia disagreed. She said they had talked a lot. Countless days had been spent until the subject was exhausted and the decision was made. It was Starry Song’s turn to disagree: “The fact that you talked does not mean you listened to her. While Danny confessed her uncertainties and fears, you believed that the courage and certainty you carried would be enough for her. The clarity we have about a particular subject does not always serve to root the truth in another person’s heart. My balance and strength can help someone stand, but I cannot walk for them. You persuaded her with your will without her finding her own truth. Although your certainty brought comfort, it was not able to dissipate the clouds of doubt that prevented Danny from achieving the clarity necessary to find the answers to her most intimate questions. Pressured, she neither left nor stayed; she remained trapped for years at the threshold between two worlds: her husband and you. When clarity was finally achieved, the true decision was made.”

Sofia said that this did not seem like an obvious conclusion given the words the marchand had said at the time. The shaman explained: “Listening is an act of humbleness. Many want to talk, expose their ideas, show how much truth they have already grasped, how supposedly experienced and intelligent they are. Few are ready to listen, a gesture that requires temporarily leaving oneself to inhabit the other, to genuinely understand their dramas and pains, afflictions and anguish. Listening requires empathy. There must be humility to leave the sun and allow oneself to enter the dark cave where the other dwells at that delicate moment in their existence. Then, if there is a sliver of love and wisdom, you will learn a little more about yourself. Yes, often what we believe to be the purest truth is nothing more than mere convenience.”

He puffed on his pipe again and continued: “Everyone wants the best for themselves, and there is no mistake in that. However, one does not reach the right destination by traveling the wrong road. Thus, without realizing it, we invade unprotected consciences; we plunder another’s truth in an attempt to seize the best of life. A common mistake.” He paused before concluding: “By not being able to listen to Danny, you did not understand her. Without proper understanding, you believed you could help her build herself without the essential foundations of truth. Patience and respect were lacking, two precious virtues. One person’s certainty will never be enough to establish another’s truth. That made you take your girlfriend with you, but you never truly had her by your side, something essential for genuinely mature and balanced relationships.” Then he finished: “Upon more sincere analysis, before thinking you were betrayed by Danny, consider that you imprisoned her to your will. By plucking a choice still green, you ended up tasting the bitter fruit of unripe decisions.”

Stunned, the chef swallowed her tears. Between sobs, she questioned whether the shaman was saying that Danny had not betrayed her but had freed herself from a choice not germinated by genuine will. Starry Song nodded again, held Sofia’s hands in his own in a gesture of comfort, and reflected: “There is no room for complaint, only for learning. Once you understand this, you will replace tears with laughter.”

Sofia argued that she did not force the marchand to make any decision. She only presented her arguments. However, she admitted, she had pressured her girlfriend into deciding when she felt she had already waited too long. The shaman agreed: “You were not obligated to wait for her beyond what you deemed reasonable; when you felt the time had come, you could have simply left without applying any pressure. Likewise, Danny was not obligated to decide before she was ready; she could have just remained firm in her position of not yet having the necessary clarity for the next step. It was up to you to leave without forcing anyone to follow; it was up to her to respect her own time. Similarly, Danny can’t transfer the responsibility to anyone else if her decision to divorce from her husband years ago creates noise in her marriage later on. She must understand the lack of maturity and firmness she had at the time by allowing herself to be led by someone else’s will. Danny, too, has no cause for lamentation, only learning.”

The chef, still struggling to process the idea, pointed out that, in the end, Danny had gained a child and her husband back. On the other hand, she, Sofia, had lost her girlfriend and missed the chance to head a famous restaurant in Las Vegas. She had lost everything. Starry Song disagreed: “Find the master hidden behind every situation. Understand the love and wisdom of life present in all dilemmas and difficulties.” The shaman had to use a firm tone to keep Sofia from escaping into drama. He pointed out: “No one loses what they never truly had. If you can process the experience, you will gain lightness by leaving behind the burden of shaping others’ choices to your will; and maturity, the fundamental movement towards genuine freedom, by becoming responsible for the consequences of every action taken. No one takes anything from anyone; what leaves is what we allow to go or what was with us but never truly belonged to us.” This last sentence allowed for deeper layers of interpretation. He paused before concluding: “Move forward with what you have already built within yourself. That is truly yours. Everything else is transitory, not part of your being.”

He puffed on his pipe and reflected: “Think carefully—what life is offering you at this moment is not insignificant.” And he said no more.

In a gesture full of humbleness, Sofia placed her hands on her chest, closed her eyes, and remained silent for an indeterminate amount of time. Then, at last, her lips curved into a beautiful smile of gratitude—towards the shaman and towards life itself. At that moment, she had finally been able to hear the words that would serve as a guiding light to dispel the darkness typical of all misunderstandings—since suffering is nothing more than that. Reality follows the transformation of our perspective and changes in rhythm with the light within us.

She kissed Starry Song on the cheek and left. From the porch, I watched the chef walk away. Her steps seemed to float above the ground, a stark contrast to the woman who had arrived dragging herself, weighed down by the burden in her heart. Then, the shaman turned to me and said: “Use the night to reflect. You need to be alone with yourself. If you’re struggling to decide whether to accept the invitation to venture into a new business, that difficulty reveals how far you still are from yourself—and therefore, from the truth. While learning to listen to others is essential, having the humbleness to hear your own essence is what brings ease, strength, and balance to every choice. Truth is gentle, yet overwhelming.”

Translated by Cazmilian Zórdic.

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