The cup with chamomile and lemon balm tea sat on the nightstand. I was getting ready to begin my meditation, as I do almost every night before going to sleep, when I heard knocks at the door of my room in the monastery. It was Bella, one of the nuns of the Order. She looked unwell. Very unwell. Her features gave her away. Just over two years earlier, she had gone through a painful divorce. “Cheating” was the word Bella used to sum up the separation. In the last study period, she had arrived emotionally shattered. As she had told us at the time, her husband had not only decided to move in with another woman, whom he had already been seeing before the wedding without Bella’s knowledge, but had also created various financial complications, from hiding some of the couple’s assets to diverting others before announcing his decision to leave. She had always trusted him and never suspected something like that could happen. Everyone at the monastery had supported her back then. When she returned for that new cycle of learning, she seemed restored. She said she had forgiven Frank, her ex-husband; she said the wounds had healed. She had regained her smile and her beauty. I was glad to see her doing so well just a few days ago. But now, a different Bella stood at my door. The real Bella. Everything else had just been makeup. I don’t mean cosmetics, but those roles of seemingly strong and balanced people we convince ourselves we’ve become if we keep pretending. Lies never become truth simply because we repeat them endlessly. We may deceive ourselves for a long time, but we can never fool our own soul, not even for a single second. When we are stubborn, standing upright will depend on each person’s ability to withstand pain; no matter how much we can endure, it will never be a good idea to get used to the agony of living with a suffocated soul. Every pain comes with a mechanism for disarming it. We must learn to use each one.
This was no moment for tea; coffee seemed more appropriate. We went down to the canteen. To our surprise, the Elder, as we affectionately called the oldest monk of the Order, was sitting at one of the tables near the windows. The faint glow of the waning moon allowed us to admire the outlines of the distant mountains. He smiled when he saw us. With a tilt of his chin, he gestured toward the pot of fresh coffee he had just made. It felt as if he had been expecting us. We filled two mugs and sat beside him. He nodded for Bella to begin speaking. The nun said she was tired of telling the same story to so many people, to the point that she herself found it annoying. The Elder reflected: “You need to talk. Not because we don’t already know the facts, but in the hope that at some point you’ll finally hear yourself. Not just the words you say, but the subliminal messages of your soul, which right now is crying out for help.” She swore she truly believed everything had been resolved within her. But that night, when she learned through social media that Frank had become a father, all the solutions and explanations she had constructed to stay well came crashing down as if destroyed by a relentless earthquake. She couldn’t understand why the news tormented her so deeply. I said she needed to forgive her ex-husband. She disagreed. She said she had already forgiven him. She didn’t even expect Frank to ever repay her for the losses he had caused by unlawfully taking assets that belonged to her. Although she wasn’t wealthy, she earned a great salary and enjoyed professional prestige. It wouldn’t take long for her to rebuild her finances; her ex-husband had given up his dignity and had a much more complicated road ahead. Evil belongs to those who use it, just as good remains with those who practice it with love. She recalled another important lesson: if we turn unpleasant events into an ever-active school, the past will never become a prison. She had used the teachings she’d learned in the monastery; she even believed her wounds had healed, but at that moment, she realized she was still at the starting point.
The Elder took a sip of coffee and argued, “You’re not at the starting point, as you claim. On the contrary, you’ve already come a long way. You’re close to rebuilding yourself financially, as you said, but still unsure how to rebuild emotionally.” She shared that she was now dating someone else. Hermes, his name was. He was a kind, attentive, and cheerful man. She was happy with him. This confused her even more; she couldn’t understand how she could feel so shaken by something happening in the life of someone who no longer played a role in her own. I repeated that she needed to forgive her ex-husband. Bella again insisted that she already had. I said that the forgiveness hadn’t truly happened. The kind monk disagreed with me: “Bella has forgiven him. There’s sincerity in her words. She doesn’t want him back, nor is she waiting for any kind of compensation. She understands his limits, his weaknesses and shortcomings. She understands that Frank didn’t do better because he simply couldn’t. That doesn’t excuse his mistakes, but it brings the understanding that you can’t demand from someone what they never had to give. Each person gives what they can; not a drop more. That understanding is the foundation of compassion, a virtue that gives structure to another, much broader and deeper: forgiveness.” He looked at the nun with gentleness and concluded, “You freed yourself from Frank when you forgave him. That was the first great step.” Anxious, she asked what was still missing or what the next step would be. “Free yourself from yourself.”
Bella said she didn’t understand. The Elder explained: “You’ve forgiven him, but you still blame yourself for having trusted someone who didn’t deserve it, for having denied or failed to see that he was deceiving you. All the signs were there from the start; knowing this is what causes your pain. Yet the desire to live a beautiful story with your husband blinded you to the dangers that were approaching.” He paused before concluding, “You still need to forgive yourself.” This time it was Bella who disagreed. She hadn’t done anything wrong to Frank, so there was nothing in herself to forgive. The kind monk corrected her: “Forgiving yourself, contrary to what it may seem, isn’t always the easiest or simplest thing, especially when we weren’t the ones who caused harm to others.”
The Elder continued: “Frank is a closed chapter. We all agree that no one escapes the higher laws, among them, the law of the inevitability of the consequences that each person draws upon themselves. Without exception, at some point, everyone will have to deal with the outcomes of their own actions. No complaints are valid. Not even from you, Bella.” Uncomfortable, the nun shifted in her seat. The kind monk went on: “If every hardship is an opportunity for growth, then we must extract the learning from each experience.” He drank another sip of coffee and added, “The essential movement has already taken place. You’ve come to terms with the loss quickly, that is, you accepted the end of your marriage, healed the emotional wounds, are now with Hermes, and have absorbed the financial losses. The longer we take to accept loss, the more we stretch out the suffering. Though you’ve suffered losses, you kept your light intact by refusing to retaliate in kind, not letting yourself be dragged into the darkness of Frank’s actions. In other words, you offered the other cheek. This shows an advanced stage of spiritual development. For your maturity to be complete, you need to understand why something in the life of someone who no longer matters to you caused so much damage, enough to make it seem like no progress had been made at all.”
Bella ran her hands through her beautiful long brown hair, showing signs of distress for still not understanding where the Elder’s reasoning was leading. Both she and I argued that the ex-husband seemed to be the core of the issue. The kind monk shook his head and explained, “No one is the problem in anyone else’s life. Each person is the source of their own difficulties and, therefore, responsible for the heaven or hell they live in. This simple truth offers something wonderful by placing in each person’s hands the power to solve their own life”. Embarrassed, she shared that she had found out Frank’s company was going through serious difficulties; in recent months, it had suffered major losses. She admitted feeling a small sense of satisfaction from the news. In part, she felt avenged. On the other hand, she admitted feeling ashamed of her own feelings. The Elder corrected her: “Although revenge can manifest not only through actions but also through desires, what you felt might have another meaning.” He then explained: “Compassion, the virtue of lovingly understanding others’ difficulties, or even forgiveness, does not exempt us from the feeling of justice, the cosmic force that balances all relationships. Life uses lived experiences as excellent methods to shape character and expand love in everyone. Wishing that the wrongdoer be happy with the spoils of theft would function as a validation of evil and an encouragement to dishonesty; an absurd contradiction totally out of line with the principles of light. A lack of respect for yourself. And a tremendous naivety!”. He raised his eyebrows and warned, “We must always act with purity, never with naivety.” Bella wanted to know the difference. The Elder explained, “Purity requires full knowledge of evil and complete renunciation of its use, even when it presents apparent advantages; it is an extremely difficult test that few manage to pass. On the other hand, naivety is either ignorance of evil or a lack of regard for its effects, making those involved easy prey for constant traps and the perpetuation of wrongdoing.”
He continued the explanation: “Each person will experience exactly the situation they need for their growth. We inherit the consequences of our choices. Even in the long run, this makes life a forge for masters, where the fire of events becomes necessary to shape spirits who insist on the rigidity of delay and shadowy vices, under the false belief of power or a superiority that doesn’t exist.” He furrowed his brow and said, “To rest in the certainty of cosmic justice is different from desiring revenge”. The nun wanted to know how to tell one feeling from the other. The kind monk explained, “The just person seeks learning, while the avenger yearns for the suffering of the one who caused them harm. In justice, there is love and wisdom. In revenge, only pain remains, on both sides.”
With teary eyes, Bella said she had never wished Frank harm, but she did wish that he, even if he never apologized to her personally, would recognize the harm he had caused and redeem himself through his behaviour in future relationships, based on the lessons learned from that experience. The Elder nodded in agreement and said, “That is justice. There is no reason to feel ashamed for such a feeling.”
The kind monk reminded us, “Never confuse the avengers with the just. Avengers assume the role of truth-bearers and deliver judgments based on the narrow and shallow limits of their own conscience, trapping tormentors and victims in prolonged karmic sentences. The just, because they are pure, refuse to use evil and remain grounded in their light, freeing themselves completely from the harm suffered by trusting in the wise action of cosmic justice. Freedom is a personal and independent act; therefore, it doesn’t need to wait on anything or anyone to be realized, only understanding and action toward oneself. Nothing more.”
He then warned, “By trusting in the application of cosmic justice, we cannot forget that we are or were part of the process. Therefore, it will also reach us in the measure that is ours.” He took a long sip of coffee and said, “Frank was only able to cause so much harm because you allowed it. Nothing happens overnight. I mean both emotional issues and financial losses. By refusing to face the evidence, you were knocked down by the truth that stood right before the eyes you preferred to keep shut”. I interrupted again, this time to say that Bella had run away from herself by refusing to see the truth. The Elder turned to me and corrected me once more: “Running away would be finding a pretext to mask the truth. What happened was convenience. It was more comfortable to accept the husband’s shady behaviour than to deal with the end of the marriage… which came in an even more devastating way. Life doesn’t allow anyone to feel comfortable in the wrong place. That’s the truth when we deny it or the lie when we accept it; justice uses chaos to destroy the deteriorated and outdated structures of our lives.” He turned to Bella and said, “It was no different for you”.
Stunned, she said she didn’t fully understand him. The Elder clarified, “This is the cornerstone of the transformation that will lead you to the liberation only permitted by forgiveness. Although you have already forgiven Frank—and this will not exempt him from the debts he must settle with his own conscience—it is necessary that you also learn from your own mistakes. Sacred justice is an unforgiving teacher. As long as you refuse the learning offered in this experience, you will never be able to forgive yourself and, worse, you will remain tied to the events of Frank’s life. Your mood and spirit will depend on the reactions and daily circumstances of someone who caused you harm, a sad behaviour that will build the walls of the prison you’ll live in. That harm is your responsibility; it was not Frank who caused it. It is the result of your inability to deal not only with your own emotions but also with the movements of life, which possess wisdom, rhythm, and a methodology not always easily understood by us”.
Bella said she needed to be more alert, to stop trusting people so easily. The Elder turned to me and said, “That response is an escape. Now do you understand the difference between escape and convenience?” Embarrassed, the nun herself said she now understood what she hadn’t before. Running away is denying the truth; convenience is believing you can live comfortably with a lie. Settling into a lie will never make it true. The kind monk made other necessary adjustments: “No relationship will be healthy without trust. Character is an essential requirement, without which love withers like a flower that wilts from lack of vitality. You believed you could live with Frank even when you noticed small character flaws. You ignored the signs; you covered your ears and closed your eyes to everything your soul was saying and showing. Still, it is crucial to trust yourself; learn to trust your soul.” He took a sip of coffee and continued, “The desire for the relationship to prosper must not succumb to the fear of making necessary corrections, even at the risk of the relationship ending and you having to start over alone. No one is alone when they live well with themselves as their best company. Someone who doesn’t understand this will rarely be whole with another person, either because of the lack of self-worth they assign to themselves or the unfair burden of happiness they place on the partner, who at some point and for good reason will refuse or grow tired of carrying it.”
The Elder returned to the heart of the matter: “Frank has been forgiven. Now you need to forgive yourself, to free yourself not only from the events you experienced but also from yourself”. Bella argued that she had nothing to forgive, since she hadn’t caused any harm to her ex-husband. The kind monk partly agreed: “You’re right in saying you did him no harm. However, you punish yourself for having been deceived when you had all the necessary signs to avoid the emotional and financial damage you suffered. You haven’t forgiven yourself for that. Understand that there’s no error in trusting people. The mistake lies in not being worthy of that trust; that’s Frank’s existential debt, not yours. Be careful not to reverse the polarity of the parties involved in this process. When you closed your eyes and ears, choosing to believe that everything would settle down in time, you had the right to do so. It didn’t work, but there’s no reason to punish yourself for that choice. Being deceived or making a mistake doesn’t deserve punishment; it’s simply an unfruitful attempt, a risk taken. Nothing more. Use your experiences as a book, never as a whip”.
Tears washed down the nun’s face. She said she had suffered a lot in relationships before Frank. Not wanting to go through more breakups and new beginnings, she had decided not to spare any effort to stay with him, despite the missteps and difficulties, and regardless of the cost. Her friends were married, had become mothers, and she alone seemed to live in erratic relationships. The Elder reminded her: “Marriage can take us to heaven or to hell, depending on many factors. Just as living alone doesn’t define a sad or abandoned life, neither is it a guarantee of happy days. Social norms and conditioning build dangerous prejudices by restricting possibilities, reducing choices, and narrowing happiness. We become less when we could be more. Each person has the right to create a unique way of being and living, in accordance with their gifts and dreams”.
The nun confessed that the news of Frank’s child’s birth had shaken her deeply. She felt as though she were being punished, even though the harm had been caused by him; although she had accepted the loss, it felt as though the damage hadn’t stopped. The Elder offered another correction: “It hasn’t stopped because, although you’ve accepted the loss caused by Frank’s actions, you still haven’t ended the punishment you imposed on yourself for having been wrong. You keep connecting the events in Frank’s life to your own happiness. The last link hasn’t been broken. It’s time to place that marriage in the past, where it should have been since the separation. Stop punishing yourself. Although you were naïve, you acted with all the purity you had. Stop covering up your own light. You did no harm to anyone, not even to yourself. It was just a failed attempt for things to work out. Life needs risk to express all its thousand possibilities. Never stop believing, never give up the joy of finding beauty in every situation. Often, joy hides behind the lesson. Forgive yourself! Trust, life gives to each person their exact share. The box you placed yourself in is smaller than you. Set yourself free!”
Bella hid her face in her hands for a time I couldn’t tell. I felt apprehensive. To my surprise, her sobs turned into laughter; as she lowered her hands, her face bore a beautiful and genuine smile. Yes, everything had become clear to the nun in that moment. Forgiveness isn’t static; on the contrary, it has dynamism and expanding layers. She had made the right initial moves after the separation by accepting the loss and looking at Frank with compassion, managing to forgive him. What was missing were the final steps: to stop the undue self-reproach by accepting there is nothing wrong in trusting; to break away from limiting and ineffective happiness standards and create her own model; to find peace and learn from the lessons life offers; and to place the marriage firmly on the shelf of the past. By forgiving herself, she would be free to move forward. She said she was ready for that. There was firmness, honesty, and determination in her voice.
It was dawn at the monastery. Some monks were arriving for breakfast. Bella thanked us for the conversation. She now had in her hands all the tools necessary to begin again. She’d always had them, but never realized how to use them to dismantle her emotional pain. Every suffering carries a mechanism capable of disarming it forever. She gave the Elder a loud kiss on the cheek and left. Cheerful, her feet seemed to not even touch the ground.
Translated by: Cazmilian Zórdic
