I was at the monastery for another cycle of studies. It had been a difficult night. An avalanche of thoughts had stolen my sleep. No one can sleep if there is noise, mess, and disorder ruling inside the house. Each one dwells within themselves. Many voices spoke of evildoings, abuses, and rejections endured. When that happens, chaos spreads through the rooms. Uncomfortable, you leave home. You disconnect from your essence to live at the margin of who you are. You lose direction and identity. You become insecure, your movements hesitant, at times impetuous. These are common symptoms of the difficulty in processing emotional pain. To different degrees, everyone faces this existential challenge. Without exception. No one likes to feel this way, much less for others to notice the imbalance we are going through. It is common for us to make a huge effort to convey an image of balance and strength to everyone. However, there is no use in staging a false tranquillity while agony and suffering take root in the heart. We only postpone the resolution of the problem. Appearance, no matter how beautiful, will never have the power to transform essence. We will go nowhere. There is no way to put out this fire without arriving at a place that is difficult yet beautiful, delicate yet powerful: the core of being. Pressed by these thoughts, I gave up staying in bed. I needed to reflect on the feelings that moved me and, just as important, where they were leading me. Otherwise, I would remain distant from the one I needed to meet: myself. I got up while the sky was still starry. I went to the cafeteria, made some coffee, filled a mug, and sat down near the windows overlooking the mountains. There was silence and stillness. A wonderful vibration of peace was the constant tone of the monastery, a very pleasant place to be. Some of the people dearest to me were there. Despite the external conditions being perfect for well-being, not even all that peace was able to stop the crossfire of my heart at war. After years and years of study, piles of books read, countless courses and lectures, countless hours of prayer and meditation, I was still a slave to my wild, unruly emotions. I needed to understand what I had not yet been able to grasp. The worst part was that I didn’t even know where to begin.
“Start where it hurts. The tear of the wound is perfect for letting the light in,” I was surprised by the Elder, as we affectionately called the oldest monk in the Order. He had entered the cafeteria without me noticing. He filled a mug of coffee and sat at the table with me. I asked what he was referring to. He replied: “I speak of the misunderstandings that pull you away from your axis of light. Without proper understanding, you will waste the honey of life. You will know neither peace nor happiness. You will live frayed loves. Freedom will remain impossible as long as you are hostage to the behaviour of others. No less important, without realizing it, little by little, you will lose your dignity in disoriented choices and permissive attitudes”. Before I could say anything, he added: “When the voice silences the pain, the eyes beg for help”. He took a sip of coffee and, in his simple and sincere manner, offered me comfort: “I am here”.
I could not hold back the rebellious tear that revealed the weight of my feelings and came before my words. I needed to speak, and the Elder was willing to listen. Without judgment or reproach. I spoke for a time I cannot measure. I recounted the history of family rejection I had lived with since adolescence. It is neither easy nor simple to grow up in a family without feeling welcomed and understood in one’s emotional needs. As I became an adult, nothing changed. I watched as everyone cared for everyone else, sought each other out, gathered together. Many times I was left uninvited to birthdays, gatherings, weddings, Christmas and New Year’s celebrations. It was not only a matter of invitations. The criticism was fierce. Even when I got it right, for them there was still a mistake. They would say that the good done had been motivated by vanity or guilt. Living within a family without being part of it was painful. Even more so when I tried to talk with those people to understand the reason for the harshness, and they denied it. They said they loved me. The next moment, they discarded me. It was almost torture. I endured constant bickering and veiled aggressions. Ill-treatment. I cited countless episodes still alive in my memory, even after many decades. Even so, I had not given up on being part of the family and feeling loved by them. I wished that one day my worth would be recognized. In the end, the Elder asked me: “Why do you insist on disrespecting yourself?” I said it was necessary to turn the other cheek every time we were attacked. To turn the other cheek, in its best interpretation, is to show the charms of light to those who live in darkness. The good monk shook his head and pointed out: “A correct concept applied to the wrong case. There is no light when we let ourselves be hurt so as not to displease others. Not returning evil with evil is a luminous act. Setting limits to stop abuse is, too. Never allow anything or anyone to destroy you. To let yourself be destroyed is like abandoning yourself in the shadowy alleys of endless suffering”. He furrowed his brows and spoke with seriousness: “There is an important difference between persisting and insisting. Persisting is not giving up on a path despite the obstacles that arise. Insisting is stubbornly continuing on a path with no way out. It is up to each one to apply theory to the concrete case”. Then he disconcerted me: “You are fragmented between the suffering of rejection and the pain of growth”. He paused to emphasize: “Yes, growing hurts, it causes fear, anger, and guilt. But it is essential for evolution. We exchange the feeling of abandonment for the sentiment of self-love. We learn to care for ourselves, to understand what is best for us, and we find pleasure in experiencing our own reconstruction. It is wonderful!”
I asked why we resist so much in bringing about such a necessary transformation. The Elder explained: “Rejection is a suffering long known. You believe you have gotten used to it or that you know how to handle it. Because of this, you prefer to leave things as they are rather than face the unknown pain of growth. It is not simple to go to a place where you have never been, both within and outside of yourself. It is frightening. It is not always easy to impose limits on those who have grown used to treating us with no respect. You will have to oppose people you believe you love, denying them wants and wishes they are accustomed to, but which hurt your conscience or make you uncomfortable. As a contemporary alchemist teaches, saying no to people who expect you to say yes, and defending your boundaries with people who are used to you having none, will provoke a terrible sense of death. And it is a kind of death: the death of that part of you that thinks it needs to be disrespected in order to be loved”.
I did not understand why such a beneficial transformation should generate pain, fear, anger, or guilt. I believed that in walking toward evolution we would be overtaken only by good feelings. The good monk clarified: “To reach good feelings, it is necessary to face and overcome bad ones. Not only that. You will also have to learn to interpret new feelings. After all, you still do not know them”. I asked him to explain better. The Elder was didactic: “At first, it will be painful to realize that many dear people will not change their behaviour, even when you tell them that the way they relate to you makes you suffer. You will have to accept that, being insensitive to the harmful nature of their own attitudes, you will need to distance yourself from them. You will have to close cycles with those you believed would be by your side until the day of days without end. However, the pain of loss cannot rob you of the joy of the unquestionable benefits that will come with change. Then, in a better analysis, you will understand that it is neither a pain nor a loss, but a feeling of perplexity, learning, and transformation for being in transit along a road never before travelled”.
He drank a sip of coffee and continued: “We may feel fear when thinking about how people will react to the limits we will begin to impose. We will feel uncertain whether they will understand and support our new version. Whether we will know how to deal with loneliness until we find those who will love and admire us for who we truly are. It is like returning to school to relearn how to be and live in a different and better way. Short-term fear cannot prevent long-term freedom. Every break of pattern brings a sense of insecurity. If you think about it, this feeling is fictitious and devoid of value. There is nothing wrong with letting go of what does not do us good. In truth, these new feelings are signs of a transformation that announces itself”.
He paused briefly before continuing: “It will be common if, at first, we feel guilty for denying the desires of those we always pleased. We will feel selfish simply for respecting, valuing, and taking care of our own well-being. After all, these are attitudes that, besides being new, generate pleasure. Since suffering kept us company for a long time, however absurd it may seem, we will doubt our right to happiness. It will also be absurd, and do not be surprised if it happens, that we will feel bad for preventing the entry of those who always behaved as if our heart were a brothel or an amusement park. These are new feelings arising from a new behaviour. More mature and evolved. Do not hesitate, there is no correlation between self-esteem and selfishness. Self-love is an indispensable prerequisite for loving everyone more and better. Without it, love will be impossible”.
He then explained: “We will feel anger when realizing that many people were only interested in the advantages they enjoyed in the abusive relationship they maintained with us, without nurturing any affection or interest in our needs. We will feel anger for having allowed them to mistreat us, whether because we took too long to understand the importance of self-respect, or because we lacked the courage to impose the necessary limits. However, with the change of attitude, we will discover the pleasure of unknown freedom, as well as of finding our lost identity. Then, the worn-out resentment that ruled the heart will be replaced by the overflowing joy of one who has learned to fall in love with themselves. This is not vanity, it is self-esteem. Essential to fullness”.
He sipped another gulp of coffee before concluding: “If, even then, there remains any doubt, remember that there is no possibility of improving a relationship by feeding wrong or sick behaviour. A good exercise is to distance yourself from the dense feelings on edge, observing yourself as a spectator, as a way to obtain an overall view of the sad current situation, as well as of all the achievements available to you should you accept the challenge of redemption: freedom through self-reconstruction. When we understand the greatness of the possibilities, the movement becomes inevitable”.
I commented that this change in behaviour would make me face many difficulties and inevitable problems. I did not believe that anyone would change their behaviour just to please me. Not least because they had already shown themselves insensitive to my feelings. The Elder nodded and reminded me: “The effort to change someone who is comfortable where they have always lived is the exercise of fools. We are the ones who must build a good and safe place to live, never depending on someone else to put us where we deserve to be. We cannot allow them to mess up or destroy our house for thinking it impolite to close the door to troublemakers and wrongdoers. Do not forget that each one lives within themselves”.
He drank a sip of coffee before continuing: “If you want to free yourself from suffering, you will have to learn to defend yourself. Both from your own feelings, as we talked about earlier, and from those people who grew accustomed to your permissiveness. Many of them will react badly to the unexpected contradictions. Evolutionary experiences do not exist to be easy, but to be worthwhile. No one is obliged to open paths within themselves in order to grow and move forward through life. However, by denying this movement, regardless of the flow of your bank account, you will remain in the role of existential beggar, feeding on emotional scraps or contenting yourself with crumbs of love left on the plates of others. The greatest misery is to deny yourself the best of the love that exists within you. Love does not survive without respect. Begging for leftovers of affection and remnants of attention is the cause of bitter and profound suffering. Remaining in this place is a choice. Leaving it is also a choice. Both are available to everyone. To love oneself in order to be genuinely loved is a proven formula of well-being, joy, and happiness. However, we will only be able to feel loved for who we are after suppressing any and all dependence on acceptance, belonging, or validation. Emotional dependence causes an unnecessary distortion by making us adopt characteristics foreign to our own identity. We let ourselves be used and manipulated to please those who never loved us. Characters and puppets serve only the pleasure of others, without any trace of affection, respect, or admiration. Love is contrary to such behaviour. Only the power of a person’s uniqueness and authenticity, with all the beauty and unique charm they possess, makes one abandon the false shine of insecurity to give way to the light of firmness and truth”.
The Elder stood up and went to the cupboard of the canteen. He cut two generous slices of cornbread, placed them on plates, and brought them to the table. He gestured for me to serve myself in silence. It was a moment to reflect on the content of the conversation we had had. Learning is only complete when applied in practice. Knowledge only makes sense if it generates transformation. Every suffering is a symptom of poorly elaborated experiences. Life will repeat them until they become unnecessary. I needed to heal myself. But I knew that the elixir suggested by the good monk could cause side effects. I mentioned this to him. The Elder arched his lips in a smile, as if he had already expected this question, and pondered: “There will be moments of doubt and insecurity. Something natural for those who live the journey of breaking patterns of behaviour that have always accompanied them. There will be a rupture. The one you were for many years will cease to exist to give way to a different version of yourself. Old practices will be closed forever. You will witness a part of who you always were going away. You will have to learn and get used to living with the new attitude you chose to adopt toward yourself and before the world. A transition not always fully understood at first. It is natural that you need to make adjustments during the process. The most important factor is never to forget that genuine respect dialogues with serenity, clarity, and honesty. It is gentle and firm at the same time. Establish limits without aggression or retaliation of any kind or sort. Respect is an internal movement that expresses itself without asking permission nor needing to wait for anyone’s authorization. It is the central axis of dignity. We cannot demand that others respect us, but there must be a definitive commitment never to abdicate it in dealing with ourselves. Self-love and self-respect make up the framework of consciousness that illuminates our steps”.
He emptied the coffee cup and concluded: “In the beginning, there will be moments of uncertainty about the new decisions. Many will say they are disappointed and will walk away upon having their requests denied, requests that were always granted before. They were people you served without setting limits so as not to displease them. You wanted to be understood and loved by them. Do not be surprised, nor afraid. Evolutionary transformations are luminous. One of their effects is the ability to illuminate everything around. The differences between good and evil become clear. Separating right from wrong becomes simpler. Not every grain is a seed. Those who love us will always strive to understand us without demanding anything in return. Love does not charge a price. Displeasing yourself to please others is a movement of lovelessness”. He paused before adding: “Trust in your own narrative and gaze, in your virtues and truths. Forgive and forgive yourself. And move forward without fear”. He tapped his index finger on the table to emphasize the following words: “Remember that the ‘no,’ until now never spoken to people whose requests were always granted, will mean a revolutionary ‘yes’ for you. The love and respect neglected for so long will finally be restored. This movement is part of the art that belongs to freedom. Emotional prisons, because of their bars not always being visible, end up imposing long and cruel sentences”. Then, he concluded: “To shed the role of the emotional beggar you played in your relationships because of the enormous emotional lack you always felt, even if not without many reasons and causes, will be essential to taking control of your needs and truths. Otherwise, you will never know genuine love”.
The dawn was breaking. Some monks were arriving for breakfast. The Elder said he needed to prepare for that afternoon’s lecture. He took his leave and left with slow but steady steps. Not without first making a gesture as if to say that the power of healing was in my hands. It was up to me to make use of it.
Translated by Cazmilian Zórdic.
